New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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