I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Randomize
