I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my poor anus
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
