i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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