chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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