Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize