Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
