Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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