she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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