i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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