I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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