...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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