Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
