I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
