I think my fart just growled at me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
