You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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