he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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