listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
