can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
