Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
