I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
