I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
