I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
