the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
