he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
