I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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