My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
