don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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