i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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