I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
