I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
