I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
