Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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