shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
