drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
