life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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