just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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