Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
