I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
