At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
