I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
