Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
