ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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