oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize