I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Randomize
