just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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