Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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