I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
