I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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