I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
