apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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