he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize