I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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