Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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