i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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