I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
