that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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