he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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